Poker Night
by Eternity's Angel of Mercy
Summary: SPOILERS. Shepard reflects on the recent deaths that have been affecting her mood and ability to sleep. A few heart-to-heart conversations, and a game of strip poker with a certain Turian, make things a bit brighter.  FemShep/Garrus one shot


_Disclaimer: I don't own any of it. Don't try suing, you won't get much. :)_

...

I missed the target on purpose.

I had a feeling he knew it, too, but was too much of a gentleman to call me out on it. He'd let me pretend I was sly and I would let him pretend he was the better shot.

I was curled up on my bed, staring at the bedside holo-clock. The music coming from it was not as much of a distraction as I would have liked. My mind kept thinking, as if the metaphorical hamster in my brain was on red sand. That damn hamster wanted to dwell on the empty space beside me on the bed, and the Turian that should be filling it. I wanted nothing more than to shoot the hamster because these thoughts were driving me insane.

The soft, orange glow of the clock pulsed softly with the music and I attempted to blink in time with the pulses. I was either too exhausted or too preoccupied to keep time. I gave up, rolling over onto my other side and staring at the aquarium. I watched the dartfish swoosh through the tank as if they had somewhere important to go and not much time to get there.

_What I wouldn't give to have that kind of memory span, _I thought. It had technically been disproven centuries ago that fish had 5 second memories, but the idea seemed to stick. Probably because fish were all together sad creatures. Probably because no one would want something to have full cognitive awareness while being confined in a cell for its entire lifespan.

My thoughts took a downward spiral after that thought. I began to think of all of the people I lost. The most recent additions to the list stood vividly in my mind. Thane. Mordin. Legion. I wondered what they were thinking in those last moments... what did they regret? What choices could have been made differently in order to save them?

I closed my eyes. I remembered Thane's prayer for me and it brought the beginnings of tears to my eyes. Sweet Thane. Humble Thane. And then I remembered Mordin's final look as I raced after him, attempting to stop him. His look of defiance and then... compassion? Was that the right word for that flicker of tenderness that passed across his face?

How long before I, too, succumbed? I couldn't pretend that I would make it out of this alive. Honestly, I couldn't pretend that any of us would. But this night, I allowed myself a moment of pity, of wondering... how will it happen? Will I die as Thane did? In a quiet room, saying my goodbyes in a broken voice to the only person I can imagine being there... his eyes sad but accepting, gripping my hand in his.

Or perhaps my second death would be as my first was... as Legion, Mordin and Ashley's were - sacrifice. That felt more real, more like the Shepard I knew I was. There was no time for a quiet death for me, not until the Reapers were gone.

_No one ever said it would be a cake walk, Skipper, _I heard Ashley's sweet voice tease me.

So many deaths... and there would only be more.

I kicked my legs out from under the covers, finally giving up on sleep. I had known at 11 pm the same thing I knew now at 3 am... sleep was for those who didn't have the lives of trillions hanging from their shoulders. _I guess, with that logic, there are thousands of sleepless people out there... _I smiled to myself ruefully, pulling a pair of Alliance issued tank top and lounge pants over my bra and panties. It wasn't the most commanding choice of attire, but I suspected no one other than a few petty officers and EDI would be awake.

_Besides, _I thought as I stepped onto the elevator, pressing the button for the Crew Deck, _it's not like this ship is all that formal, really._ I stepped off the elevator and padded over to the kitchen, barefoot, opening cupboards and looking for a good 3 am snack.

Rummaging through the drawers reminded me of when I was younger. My mother would be out for long tours while I was in high school, leaving me alone for stretches of time. I would look forward to her return so much that I would stay up, sometimes all night, just so that I could greet her. Many of these nights, she would wearily come home and find me on the couch with bags of potato chips or boxes of cookies scattered around me. She would mock annoyance, put her hands on her hips, and tell me I deserved to weigh as much as the Alliance fleet itself. She would then break into a smile as I ran over and hugged her, welcoming her home through a mouthful of crumbs.

As I settled on a box of unopened animal crackers, I felt the pang of regret. I missed my mother. I hadn't heard anything from her other than a few messages here and there. I knew she was still alive; if she had died, I would be contacted as soon as it was found out. But I missed her voice enough that I was tempted to go put a call in to her tonight.

I hadn't heard the elevator slide open, or footsteps approaching me. All I heard was a soft scrape of metal. I turned quickly, reaching for the cutting block and a knife therein. Instead Kei Lang, as I imagined, it was Tali that stared at me, her hand on a chair at the table closest to me. She continued to slowly scoot the chair out from the table before flopping down into it gracefully.

"Shepard," she murmured, a lilt of amusement filtering through her mask.

"Tali," I greeted, hand releasing the butcher knife handle. "You should rustle or something," I added, smiling teasingly. "What are you doing awake, anyway?"

Tali sighed softly, relaxing into her chair. "Quarians need less sleep than you humans. If anything, our sleep patterns are most closely related to the Turians... though we do have much less probability to snore."

I smirked; I knew a little something about Turian snoring. I grabbed a bottle of purified water from the fridge before coming to sit beside Tali. I popped the box of animal crackers open, digging out a bear and nibbling its head. "I would have offered to make you something, but I don't know how to cook to your diet... or how to cook at all," I added after a thought.

Tali's glowing eyes seemed to narrow as she let out a distorted chuckle. "You'd probably end up poisoning me," she agreed, her laughter falling away. "Not intentionally, I am sure."

"Never," I smiled, finishing off the bear. "Did you pick out your real estate yet?" My tone dropped a bit lower, softer.

Tali regarded me (or, at least, I think she did) for so long that I thought she might have taken offense. That mask really made conversations a little confusing, especially when there was a stretch of silence. Finally, she spoke. "Beachfront won out, I believe. My father... he always said he missed the sound of water."

I reached out, enclosing Tali's hand with mine. She gripped it instantly, her slim fingers holding onto mine as if she we scared the ground would give out beneath us. Perhaps, for her, it felt like it was. "I miss him, Shepard," she whispered. "He... he should have been there."

I stayed silent as Tali kept talking. Most of what she said was a jumbled mixture of memories and emotions that I couldn't quite follow, interrupted by small bouts of tears. I nodded supportively, holding her hand. That was all I could do. She finally went silent, making a noise that I could only guess was a hiccup - the vocoder for her suit translated it into a buzz.

"Tali," I whisper, "he wanted nothing more than to be there with you. He loved you so much... his entire dream was to build you that house on the water."

Tali nodded before signing exasperatedly. "Keelah, I need to wipe my face." She then chocked out a laugh, murmuring, "You are a very dear friend, Shepard. I am all the better for having you in my life."

I squeezed her hand gently before releasing it. "I feel the same for you, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy."

We sat in amiable silence, me chewing on a few more animal crackers while Tali sorted out her emotions. I watched the girl's eyes blink behind her violet mask, watched her fingers curl and unfurl.

Out of the blue, her voice full of laughter, Tali chirped, "I had a very interesting visit from a mutual friend this evening."

I furrowed my brows. "Oh?"

Tali seemed to be too amused to give me a straight answer. She was playing a very human game of being coy. "Well, this certain visitor was questioning how I thought you felt about lingerie."

I sputtered, unable to keep myself from choking on a mouthful of water. "Tali, you are joking!"

Tali attempted to keep her decorum as she digressed. "Perhaps a little. But my visitor did wonder how I thought a perfect woman like you could love a simple Turian like him."

There it was. The word that slipped out so easily on the Citadel. Love. I felt heat rising to my cheeks. I loved Garrus more than I even wanted to admit – it had started as curiosity, then a crush, and now… now it was a full-blown passion coupled with a fear that one day he might leave me… by choice or otherwise.

"Shepard?" Tali's humorous tone was gone. She sounded concerned.

"It's nothing," I shook my head, taking a forced bite of animal cracker. The stuff tasted like sawdust in my mouth and was just about as difficult to swallow, too. I swigged down half of my bottle of water and smiled at Tali. "Really. It's nothing."

Tali shook her head violently. "No, Shepard, you do not get to dismiss me like that. I just had a mental breakdown in front of you; you don't get to keep secrets from me anymore."

I grinned, a genuine one, at Tali's exuberance. "Tali... I don't know. I know you and Garrus are friends-"

"Yes," Tali interrupted impatiently. "And you and I are friends."

I couldn't find an argument for that. Finally I sighed. "I feel like there are more important things than my feelings for Garrus. Like homeworlds being retaken, and lost, and the Reapers..."

Tali shook her head. "Everyone needs a safe place to go, to get away from the war. For you, that safe place is Garrus."

I nodded. "It is... and yet I still have to pretend there is nothing between us because I don't want any accusations of favoritism."

I imagined Tali rolled her eyes at me. "Shepard, you're exasperating sometimes." She leaned toward me, her voice dropping lower. "If you think no one knows about you two, you're sorely mistaken."

My eyes narrowed slightly. "What do you mean?"

Tali scoffed. "Shepard... do you think anything is a secret on this ship? Besides, with all of the different species that have been on board, some with better hearing than others..." she let that train of thought derail right into me.

I blinked, stunned, before a disbelieving smile crossed my face. "Do people have nothing better to do than gossip?"

Tali gave a good-natured shrug. "Sometimes it's like being around school children. They behave in front of you, at least."

I let a few moments of silence pass before dropping my voice. "Did Garrus say what he thought?"

"Of?" Tali asked, head tilting to the side.

"Of what I said. At the Citadel."

There was another long stretch of silence in which I was unsure whether she was annoyed or amused. It would be so much easier if those masks were clear. Finally, she said, "Don't let him fool you, Commander. He tries to be as professional as you, but you have him wrapped around your finger." With that, she stood, stretched, and murmured, "I am going to rest. Perhaps you should, too."

I smiled ruefully. "I don't sleep well anymore."

I was sure Tali was smiling when she playfully chided, "Well, go find someone who can fix that."

I shook my head, still smiling. Tali was getting to be quite the know-it-all. I stood to throw my empty bottle of water in the waste chute, watching it slide into the depths and toward the compressor below. I put the animal crackers back in the cabinet, not feeling hungry any more. I did, however, feel restless.

I decided to take Tali's words to heart - I turned toward the Main Battery, padding along the cold metal. The door slid open and I was met with the silent hum of machinery... and no Garrus. I glanced to the left and right of the console, then back out into the mess hall. No one. I rerouted and checked in the infirmary (Chakwas was asleep in her chair, a mostly-empty brandy bottle beside her), and then the Starboard Observation Deck.

Kaiden was passed out right in front of the door, his leg in the doorway. The door whirred softly as it opened, waited patiently, then began to close. It struck his leg before sliding opened again and starting the whole process over again.

From the smell of him, I would guess he helped Chakwas with her bottle of brandy. I sighed, shoving Kaiden further into the room by hooking my foot under him and pushing. He rolled over onto his back and, by some fluke of friction, kept rolling. He finally stopped against an observation bench, groaning.

I raised an eyebrow but turned, chuckling softly to myself. "Perhaps this is a sign that I need a drink, too." I crossed the hallway into the Lounge, glancing over at the poker table. I half expected to see James there, losing his money to a petty officer. But the table was empty, the cards in a neat pile in the center.

"My doing; I tend to tidy when bored. I bet you didn't know that."

I turned, a smile already coming to my face. "Garrus. Here you are."

He spread his arms; he had a glass of something blue in his right hand. "Here I am." He was draped casually across a couch, leaning against the curve of it as though he had been looking out the window.

I went over to the bar and grabbed a tumbler, placing it on the shiny counter top. I then poked around with the liquors under the bar. I was horrible at mixing drinks, so it was difficult to think of what I wanted to make, let alone how to make it. I usually had bartenders surprise me, anyway, so I didn't even know what I liked.

I heard Garrus chuckle after a few moments. "Did you get lost?"

I stood, leaning my hip against the metal bar. "I don't know what I want."

Garrus got up, his motions languid and oddly catlike as he came behind the bar to stand beside me. He was, for once, not wearing his heavy armor. Instead he had a smaller, thinner padded armor on, completely in black. It reminded me sorely of when we first met, before he had donned the heavy armor he now wore on a regular basis.

He knelt down, his tall frame crouched in the narrow area between the back wall and bar. He poked around for a few seconds before coming up with three bottles. "Grab me the cranberry juice from the fridge? And some ice," he requested, his voice teasing.

I raised an eyebrow. Cranberry juice? I followed his orders, opening the mini fridge on my side of the bar and pulling out a large bottle of dark red juice, then the ice. "What are you making?"

"A little something our friend James taught me," he grinned. "He calls it a Russian Redheaded Slut… You'd think it was a tranquilizer when James drinks them. Three of them and he's gone."

I scoffed. "Classy name. Only three and Vega went down? I don't buy it."

Garrus grinned as he tossed a few ice cubes into the tumbler, making a tinkling noise. He then uncorked a bottle of lemon-lime flavored soda and vodka he'd procured. "I am glad to say I am not kidding. I would have lost that poker game earlier if he hadn't passed out and given me a chance to take off with my money."

I snorted unintentionally, shaking my head. I watched as he expertly poured the two clear liquids into my tumbler, filling it half full. He then uncapped the third bottle he'd grabbed, tilting it toward my nose. "Smell."

I took a whiff and my eyes fluttered closed. The scent was heavenly. "Peaches."

"Mmmhmm," he nodded, pouring a few dashes in. "You humans and your affinity for sweet things. I will never understand it." He then grabbed the cranberry juice, topping off the mixture. He placed a stirring straw in and handed the glass to me. "Voila."

I went over to the couch, sitting down before taking a hesitant sip. The concoction was delicious. It was like some kind of dark, fruity candy. "Vega must be losing his touch. This isn't strong at all," I murmured, taking another sip.

"The temptress' kiss," Garrus laughed. "You won't know how strong it is until you're on your ass." Garrus came over and stood before me, his lean legs just a breath away. "Mind if I sit with you, Commander?"

I smirked. "Get over here and stop with the Commander crap."

Garrus sat to my right, much closer than a friend or companion would. He had refilled his drink sometime between me leaving the bar and sitting down, as well as put away the bottles. Impressive.

"So, how is Shepard this evening?"

I smiled. "Shepard is well. How is Vakarian?"

He was not smiling when he looked at me. "Not that great, to tell the truth."

My grin dropped away. Had something happened with his father and sister? "What is it?" I asked gently.

Garrus' left hand fell onto my knee, rubbing it gently. "I worry about you."

That startled me. "Me? Why worry about me? We're all in this together."

Garrus' smile was less than believable. "We may all be in the boat, Shepard, but you're at the helm in the middle of a shit storm."

"Right where I like to be," I added, bumping his knee with mine.

"It's hard to protect you when you are so thrilled to be neck deep in trouble," Garrus grumbled, taking a gulp of his drink.

"I don't need you to protect me," I added kindly. I took a large draft of my drink, now feeling the sting of vodka and schnapps. "Just have my back like I have yours."

"Always," Garrus murmured. He then wrapped his left arm around me, whispering teasingly, "But need I remind you that I've claimed much more of you than just your back?"

His warm breath tickled my ear, making me shudder. "Whoa there," I laughed, drinking down more of the red stuff in my glass. "I'm not even finished with my drink." I snuggled in closer to him, his thin armor warmed by his body.

Garrus chuckled, finishing his drink in one last gulp. "Well drink up, Commander. I think you and I have a date."

I rolled my eyes before draining the rest of the tumbler. My head was a bit foggy but nothing I couldn't handle. "Date, huh?" I stood, the world shifting a little beneath me. "You might need to carry me to the elevator."

"Who said anything about the elevator?" Garrus grinned, taking my hand and leading me to the poker table. "Let's see how you do in a little game of luck, shall we?"

I sighed. "Well, I am shocked to say I had different things in mind than a poker game." I collapsed into a chair, tapping the felt of the card table.

Garrus shuffled the cards expertly, which was quite fascinating to see done with only four fingers and two thumbs. I don't think I could have managed it. He dealt us both two cards faced down..

"Fold," I said simply, looking at the off suited 7 and 2 in my hand. Garrus rolled his eyes, collected our cards, and began to reshuffle. I watched him for a few moments before asking, "You always seem so at ease. Are you not worried about the outcome at all?"

Garrus raised an eyebrow. "Outcome? Of us? Or the war?" He dealt out two more cards to both of us.

It was my turn to look confused. "Well, I was referring to the war. I assumed the outcome of us is dependent on the outcome of the war." I turned my attention to my hand. A King and 10 suited hearts. I rapped my knuckles on the table before realizing we didn't even have money out. "What are we playing for, anyway? My credit chit is upstairs."

Garrus just smiled. "Not money, Shepard. Your shirt."

I blinked before a slow smile crept over my face. "Garrus Vakarian, I am shocked by you. Anyone could wander in here at any moment."

"EDI will keep everyone out… right, EDI?" Garrus asked, his eyes raising to the roof.

"Although it was never made aware to me that I was also a doorman," EDI's voice intoned, sounding bored, "I have nothing better to do this evening."

I shook my head. "Could you stop listening in on this room for a while, while you're at it?"

There was a long pause before EDI spoke up. "Shepard, it seems that silencing my link to the lounge is not only counterproductive in case there was danger, but also unnecessary." She must have sensed my confusion before she added after a polite pause, "I have heard every previous exchange throughout the ship. Including those in your personal quarters… and the Main Battery…"

Garrus chuckled as he checked, then dealt out three face up cards. "I will admit, I can't look at that corner of the Main Battery without getting turned on."

I smirked at him, shaking my head, trying to ignore the nagging feeling of EDI monitoring everything. "You planning on folding, Vakarian? I have a feeling you might be losing that armor of yours soon."

…

I stared sleepily into the empty void of space, lounging quietly in Garrus' arms. We were sprawled haphazardly on one of the lounge couches, our limbs entangled. I wasn't sure how he made both of our forms fit so perfectly on such a narrow space… but then again, he was creative in more than one way.

Smiling, I leaned back, the top of my head tucked under Garrus' chin. The air was slightly chilly on my bare skin, but I didn't dare move. I didn't want this moment to end.

"Do you want to know a secret?" Garrus asked softly, his voice thick and tinged with contented weariness.

"Of course," I responded, stifling a yawn.

"You have made me fear death." One of his fingers traced gently over my leg, the cool metallic color of it seeming to shimmer against my tanned thigh. "Being with you had made me realize how good I have it."

I was genuinely touched. I turned slightly in his arms, meeting his beautiful pale eyes with mine. Touching his cheek gently, I murmured, "I'm not all that special."

Garrus scoffed. "Says the Spectre with an entire galaxy to protect." He pulled me close again, kissing the top of my head. "I want you to live. And if you don't live, I want to be joining you in whatever happens after."

I squeezed his hand reassuringly. "All we know for certain is that we're here now… and that if I go first, I'll be waiting for you."

I could tell Garrus was done talking. We lay together in silence, watching the darkness outside the glass and hoping the end wouldn't come too soon.

...

_Author's Note:_

Woohoo... quick one-shot for my original FemShep and Garrus pairing (one of the best pairings of the game, in my opinion). Hope you enjoyed - Remember to leave a comment!

Love love,

E.


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